In the Red

There are days where my tongue is sharp and my heart is hardened. Life is hard, it’s unfair, it isn’t always pleasant, and it’s definitely not always pretty. I can stay this way for days if I don’t check it. I turn inward and shut everyone and everything out.

Do you know what else is super hard?! Marriage! I love my husband, he is my person. But mentally I treat him so unfairly. I hold these expectations that are not even close to being realistic. I allow my perfectionism to consume me at times and can be rather harsh when he doesn’t meet the bar I set. Trust me, I feel like a complete jerk for the way I act at times.

Do you know who is really good at pointing out our flaws? Kids. Last night I was trying to have a life lesson chat with my oldest. I asked him if I throw fits when things don’t go my way. When he responded with a solid “YES!” and I knew he was right, oy! Punch in the gut.

I hear you God! I need to tighten my hinges and get my act together! I am a Godly woman, but I am not showing the world or even my family that I am. I could easily point the finger to my own childhood and how my father treated me but that’s just an excuse. God created each of us special and I know He didn’t create me to be a sharp and hardened woman!

A friend from Church shared this on our small group page:

“When anger turns into bitterness it becomes toxic. We need to get rid of it. After enough setting suns, those feelings can become a part of you. What was done to you begins to shape your identity. What was said to you begins to define you. We can find ourselves held prisoner not by something we did in the past but by what someone did to us.” ~ [Kyle Idleman: ‘Grace Is Greater’ – p. 105]

WOW! She had no idea how BADLY I needed this. God definitely did because it was the second of 3 things that happened that He put in my path. How true is that? 

**edit 7:55pm est**

Because I didn’t include my original thought to the quote. It goes back to us, am I going to allow things that have happened to make me harsh, sharp, jaded? No , that’s not the life He has made for me. It rolls into the topic I shared with my mom and that our Pastor touched on. If I am wronged will I hold that darkness close to me and allow it to evolve into more than an event in my life or will I rise above it like He wants me to? Should I just turn angry and bitter because people didn’t say nice things about me that weren’t at all accurate? Yeah, it definitely hurts but I cannot let it take over. By me staying angry I am surrendering myself to whatever happened because I most certainly will not be victorious being angry.

Here I am having things go great in other aspects of my life but I am being so consumed by little things, some big, but all irrelevant to the major picture. From dishes piling no matter how many times I empty the sink, the never ending laundry that taunts me every time I walk past it, making lunches that kids don’t eat, volunteering everywhere for everything and never having time to breathe, friend woes, husband working late, I mean it goes on and I am slowly letting this little upsets turn into pieces of coal. They’re the base of my fire that is about to burst you know what I mean? Each time something happens I just toss it to the side and it’s turning into bitterness towards people I LOVE! Slowly I am turning angry all of the time, nothing is making it better. I am praying about things but I am not praying with purpose.

A little out of order but hey, that’s my life haha. The first that happened was the lesson in our small group Sunday morning. What was it about?! Anger. Because God knew I walked into that building secretly fuming, collecting rocks to throw at my husband the second he looked at me cross. I wanted to cry, why was I so mad? Was I irritated, yeah but nothing happened that should justify how mad I was. Remember that lovely bar that I label perfectionism…it’s a beast in my life.

So Sunday as my friends husband was sharing the message I was half listening at first, because I was busy building my battle plan right? Proverbs 10:19, 17:27-28:

Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues.-Proverbs 10:19 NIV

The one who has knowledge uses words with restraints, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered. Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.-Proverbs 17:27-28 NIV

I know I am a word warrior at times and I need to work on that. I have been learning, especially this last year, that sometimes I just need to stay quiet. Words we speak are forever. If I die tomorrow would I want my husband to remember me being upset about the long hours he has little control over or the way I shut him out at times? Absolutely NOT! Would I want my kids to remember their mom being sharp and unforgiving at times? No way! Granted this is only me a small portion of the time but our words linger long after we speak them.

When I have been wronged I want to raise my war flag and prove my righteousness! Is that how God wants me to handle life….not even close. Sometimes I picture Him just pushing my flag pole down beneath the dirt as I am putting on my war paint.

The main message of Sunday morning was:

James 1:19 My beloved brothers, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger,

At some point in the last couple of months I have stopped listening. I was collecting pebbles for my arsenal, getting ready to launch them in my catapult. I wasn’t hearing the pain in my husbands voice. He was just as upset about his hours as I was. He loathed missing family time. My kids were feeding off of my frustration and acting out because I wasn’t listening to their problems. Even if they were little things like not being able to spell a word or my youngest not understanding her being wild was the reason the dog was going ape.

As a Christian I have failed a lot lately. I am thankful for a loving and forgiving God. I don’t want to just have my name in a book. I want to be proud of the life I have lived when I get review it before Him. No one is perfect, we’re born sinners. I know I need to let go of my perfectionism and have more grace. How can I possibly show people how amazing God is when they see me huffing and puffing about ant hills?

The third thing that happened was my lovely “Aunt” (not by blood but we basically forced our family-hood) text me out of the blue how I had stopped writing. I knew I needed to get back on here but I was too busy being overwhelmed and upset about silly things. I wasn’t making time for God. AAHHHHH!!! Just typing that gives me the yucks. Can I hashtag sorry and it’ll be ok? #sorryGod But seriously, it never fails! Put God on the backburner and watch the tornado begin to form. All the enemy needs is a crack!

I know I said I only had 3 things God put in my path but let me share one more. Last night our Pastor was closing our service and his final message really REALLY hit my ears like crisp wind! I was just talking to my mom the other day how certain situations were bothering me but I really shouldn’t be upset because I let go of it. I didn’t try to fix or even wanted to fix it. *spoiler alert* My pride is the issue here! She reassured me that we may not like or even enjoy trials that happen but there is a reason and normally God is putting us on a different path. So last night when our Pastor was closing and he said almost the same thing that we may move from one thing to another and how we need to be aware of those that steer us away from God. He has a purpose for us and when life is hard, unfair, unpleasant we MUST remember He WILL see us through. Be slow to speak and be slow to anger.


Until next time friends!

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