Standing in an aisle at Sams Club just hustling along with the busy traffic of Sunday afternoon and BAM, it hit me. Out of no where my vision was tunneling, my body was on fire, uncontrollable tears fell from my face, and my heart was trying to jump out of my chest. I couldn’t escape my obsessive mind. There was no aisle or corner safe, over and over again the same negative talk running ramped consuming every fiber in me. You ARE a failure, you ARE a horrible person, NO ONE wants to be around you, It’s YOUR fault! As my husband tells me I should let it go. How I WISH I could! I wish I wasn’t a prisoner of my own mind.
This is only a small part of me, the other 90% is happy, positive, out going, but this 10% can completely take over in a matter of minutes and once I let the lions out I cannot tame them back it. I spent most of that Sunday praying to God. Lord please help rid me of these thoughts. Help me see the lesson in this. Guide me through this because I cannot do this on my own. I need to see a light. I need you. I was so blown away by the timeline of things. God used me on Saturday to help a friend, it was the most amazing and humbling experience I have ever had. Then on Sunday I was just completely railroaded. Plowed down from my high, as I thought “untouchable” place. Something ripped me from my euphoria and tore me to pieces. Maybe I was being prideful in what I thought was sharing Gods amazing work. Maybe I did it wrong. I was becoming consumed with negative self talk before I even had a chance to see the headlights of it coming.
I haven’t been sleeping well since my surgery and often find myself wide awake between 1am-5am…with my kids ALWAYS being up around 6:30-7:00 am. Sunday night was no different. My sister managed to bring me down and I was able to fall asleep around a decent time. The witching hour was upon me when my heart started to speed up, the sweat started to form, my mind gearing up it’s hamster wheel of chaos. I was wide open and full anxiety at 1 am. I thought here we go again, why am I being punished so. I cannot keep living this way.
The best way for me to get my thoughts across sometimes is to write them. When I speak my mind is going much faster than I can speak and often times who ever I am speaking with is left with confusion as to how on earth it was related or even made sense. I got out my notebook and began writing my husband a letter. It turned into a bash letter about myself basically. How I hated who I was when my anxiety takes over, I hated that it stole the day from my family, I hated that I couldn’t stop it, I was out of control of my own thoughts and I had no way of fixing it. As I was mid sentence, crying my eyes out, God had me stop. I know it was Him. In that storm he calmed the waters. I was calm. I prayed Lord I know you’re with me, you’re always with me. I am putting my faith in you. How do I get out of this? Why does this keep happening? Help me break this cycle. He put , clear as day, EMPATHY on my heart. I felt compelled to write it. Right there smack dab mid-sentence of my hate letter.
I am empathetic and I always thought it a blessing and a curse. I love and I love big, I hurt when you hurt and I will be with you through all of it. I want to help you to the other side of whatever it is. The wild thing about empathy is that it’s amazing but it can also be disastrous. I am often left drained and overwhelmed if not reeled in and not abused by others.
The ENEMY KNOWS your gifts and your purposes God has put in you. He knows. He also knows your greatness before you and will try to destroy you before you get there. I was so empty and not filled like I thought I was. I was not filled with Jesus when I thought so poorly of myself because he loves me despite my weakness. I need to define myself by Him not by what other people think. I CAN take away their power by never giving it to them to begin with. It wasn’t God punishing me that Sunday, it was the ENEMY scared that I am getting closer to Jesus. That I am pursuing Him. When I realized this I felt at peace. I was able to go back to sleep.
“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”- C.S. Lewis
“We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him. He appointed them to be saved in keeping with his purpose”- Romans 8:28 (NIRV)
“Lord, you will give perfect peace to anyone who commits himself to be faithful to you. That’s because he trusts in you.”-Isaiah 26:3 (NIRV)
What I allow to consume my mind will identify me. Do I want to be known by my doubt or my love of Christ? Does God want me to live in turmoil that my own doubts cause or be at peace and live for Him?
The answer is as obvious as it has always been but for some reason I allowed the murky water of doubt to overshadow the big picture for me. I know a season may be hard but I also know there is something amazing on the other side for me. I can no longer allow my best to be hidden by insecurity and doubt. I can no longer break myself trying to people please because I only need to Jesus please! I need to fill my cup with Him and not try to fill it with me or anyone/anything else.
It has been a roller coaster week for me but I am so glad that He saw me through this and I am in a better place than I could have hoped for. I have a counsel that He placed in my life that means so much to me. Leaving you with these verses, have a blessed week! Stay strong and faithful!
“He guards the path of those who are honest. He watches over the way of his faithful ones.”- Proverbs 2:8 (NIRV)
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” – Proverbs 3:5-6