Who am I ….really?

BOOM! It’s out there. What a way to start my week! Let me just say when you find a church and you start a group study with women you’ve only known for a few months, the last thing I expected was tonight! What a blessing to be amongst a group of women being raw and honest but uplifting and encouraging.  They challenged me in my thoughts. I have been comfortable with where I am. I thought I am praising God, I read my bible…somewhat, I am a good person…surely all of that was good. To be open and so honest about some really deep stuff was really not on my agenda. So, who am I? What’s my purpose? I thought I had no idea. I really thought I was still lost in translation. That somehow God did in fact have a plan for me I just messed it up somehow and I am still running beside the train trying to jump on.

Do we tend to hide from what we truly know we’re called to do? I know I did, I STILL do! I make excuse after excuse. I don’t have a degree, I don’t have time to go back to school, is that really what I want, would I be good, am I wasting my time? If I cannot proclaim my passion to anyone other than myself, is it really my passion? What am I so scared of? Why do I doubt myself and my abilities? It’s so hard to be vulnerable, but why does it have to be that way? I created a glass case around this precious thought of who I should be and the slightest crack I am ready to toss it out the window? It used to take the criticism of one person to completely derail me. I would tell myself they’re right, I can’t do this. I would admire others that God is using to do amazing things through. When is it my turn? What gift have I been blessed with? Is it pride, envy, jealousy that is fueling my ambition. If that’s the case, I will be in the waiting room a bit longer.

I have to remind myself that every chapter has a purpose. I put so much of my energy into those around me that I am often left deflated. My tank is on empty and I am tapped out. There is probably something there for me to learn. My empathy is a blessing and a curse at times but I feel deep down that some how it’s linked to my greater purpose. Once I figure out how to handle to reins on these emotions. My mind never stops. I always want to fix things. I want to help. Tonight one of the women talked about the root of our insecurities is our pride. I guess I never put much thought into why I lack confidence in areas. Pride, my ego, the little voice that has me over analyzing everything. I want to be perfect but God loves me knowing I am not perfect. The real irony is if my purpose is actually a flaw in my core.

Who am I? I can list mother, daughter, wife, sister, friend, acquaintance, but do any of those really describe WHO I am. Do you ever feel like your looking at people bursting with enthusiasm and true understanding but you’re in a fog trying to figure out to get to where they are except you cant see the road to get there. My fog is being lifted. Slowly but surely.

Bear with me a little longer. Exodus 3:11-15 God is speaking to Moses about what he has planned for him to do. Moses has doubts, he has the who am I complex like most of us. Why would anyone follow me, what do I tell them, how do I prove that He is the one that has this plan for me. How do I trust that I can do such great things. God is with us and if we listen to him he will do great things through us. Maybe I wont save a group under tyranny but I know there is a purpose for me. Sometimes waiting for the light to turn green is the test we’re trying to pass.

I hope you all have a blessed week! Reach out to someone you see God working through and let them know what a blessing they are.

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