I apologize it has been a minute, it’s been a busy couple of weeks. I am preparing to head home to visit family in a few weeks. It’s bittersweet and I don’t go often. As much as I love seeing family I haven’t in a few years I am also slapped in the face every time with my once wicked past. Sometimes I think grace skipped me at birth. To say I was jaded for the majority of my youth is an understatement. Everyone has their demons and I personally like to pretend mine never existed. Going home brings them to the forefront of my attention. There are relationships there that I locked in their tiny box in my brain and I never intended to reopen them.
We’ve all been hurt at some point. Trust lost and relationships burned. I used to wish I had the upbringing of roses and butterflies but I also would remind myself people had it MUCH worse than me. That doesn’t negate the pain that is there. I turned angry and bitter, I wasn’t a good friend in my teenage years. I wasn’t a strong person because I hid behind my hurt and used it to build my wall. I allowed those that hurt me to make me believe I was rotten. I treated those that didn’t deserve it so poorly. It’s a part of my past I am so ashamed of. I feel guilt, anger, sadness, an immense discomfort there.
Going home I feel pulled to Peter. Remember when he denied Christ when people recognized him? Then when he left that night and wept because he feared Christ would be ashamed of him for what he did. When he saw Jesus cooking breakfast he was so over joyed he jumped out of his boat to rush up to him! Jesus had him confirm his love three times to represent the three times he denied him. If I continue to deny what I have done and what was done how can I ask for and extend grace? Jesus loves me, he knew the journey I was going to be on and he loved me still.
It’s time to unlock those boxes and let those feelings of guilt and shame go. I am working on giving grace to those that hurt me and accepting an apology that will never come. I will not be anchored down with resentment any longer. I need to pray for grace from those that I hurt. We’ve all been there. We’ve all made mistakes and lashed out at those that didn’t deserve it. We’ve also all been on the receiving end. God doesn’t want us to wallow in the pain.
I hope the rest of your week and weekend is blessed. Enjoy and love those around you!