“I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you are not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald
A long time ago I began collecting baggage; thoughts, ideas , visions, others words and perceptions that stored in a little corner of my brain. What started as a simple “I like your hair the other color better” or ” She really looks great!” began to turn into self talk of You hate the way I look, why can’t I be more like her or worst yet…I am not good enough.
I used to live a life constantly trying to please everyone but myself. Was this a life I was proud of? The sad truth, absolutely not. I went to bed every night loathing the person I was inside. Outwardly everyone saw what I wanted them to see. I had turned into a chameleon, changing my shade with each surrounding. I wasn’t a woman of God with my non-believer friends, I wasn’t a sober woman with my drinking friends, I wasn’t a kind mother with more stern parenting friends. I let people shape me. This toxic way of thinking made its way past myself and pushed into my parenting, friendships, and even my marriage.
Bless my husband for the man he is! Through 8 years of me trying to figure out my life and who I was he stood by me whispering nothing other than I love you for who you are, don’t change. His words fell on deaf ears. I always tried to be more muscular, skinny, social, outgoing, and motherly. I constantly thought he wasn’t happy with who I was. He looked at me like a crazed woman when I would cry about hating my body. I can never stress enough LISTEN TO THE WORDS PEOPLE SAY. People show you constantly who they are by what they say.
How did I break my chains holding me down? I began to pray again, I began to worship again, I lifted my fears up to God and he heard me crying for him. Glory to God for the person I am today. I changed my life because I wasn’t proud of who I was. I wasn’t proud that my kids saw me so consumed by my phone. I hated being so disconnected from my faith. I wish it didn’t take me 6+ years to figure it out but better late than never! I am starting over but with Jesus at the center of my focus. I hope you continue to follow me through the many trials of life and learning to keep breaking the chains of the world. God doesn’t want us to live a life restrained by the demons of the world and in ourselves.